NUMBER 9 THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS JUNE 1, 1999  
         
 

Roving Gang Terrorizes Schoolyard

Mass hysteria is the typical mood at Cybertron Elementary School, where a group of uncouth youngsters is reportedly terrorizing the local kids.

"They come in here and beat us up and steal our lunch money!" cried Omega Supreme. "I haven't had my juice in days."

Omega Supreme's big brother, Devastator, attempted to defend Omega from the ruthless gang, but ended up with two missing teeth and a fat lip.

"These kids and their antics...aren't they so cute?" gushed Nurse First Aid, while Hot Rod lay on a nearby cot with his left eye dangling out.

"Oh God...I can't feel my legs," was all that Springer had to say.

It is not known who the members of the gang are, but one has been described as "a Hispanic kid with a squeeky voice," while another reportedly bares an uncanny resemblance to Michael Jackson.

Although the recent streak of gang violence has cooled down for the moment, Principal Megatron is of the opinion that it is merely the eye of the storm. Supporting his view is the recent fundraiser run by the students to generate enough funds to hire Fortress Maximus to protect the school playground. However, our inside sources have revealed that the gang has turned to the services of a mysterious mercenary known only as "O" to protect their interests. He will be paid in Hershey's Dark Chocolate bars.

"Mmmm, chocolate."

 
         
         
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