NUMBER 8 THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS MAY 1, 1999  
         
 

Beachcomber Kills Fish, Then Self

The Autobots mourn the tragic death of their ally Beachcomber today.

"He lived a very full life," choked out Prowl. "He did lots of fun stuff like...um...well...he lived a very full life."

Yesterday, the intrepid dune buggy was driving along a beach and taking in nature's beauty, when he accidentally ran over a beached fish. Upon realizing what he'd done, the Autobot's head imploded, causing a shockwave that was felt in three neighboring states.

"Ah was sittin' on the can when it happened," explained Ironhide. "Then ah felt this a-rumblin' an' a-tumblin' and the next thang ah knew ah was face down on the floor with mah pants around mah ankles, which was strange, since ah don't wear pants. What was ah sayin'? Oh yeah, it was the best strawberry preserves ah'd ever tasted."

Beachcomber leaves behind a wife, three kids, and a prison planet of endangered species.

"We were really shocked to find out he had a family," stated leader Optimus Prime. "I mean, he was always just that tree-hugging hippie guy. Ah well, we'll have to find another one now. I wonder if Tigatron does cell animation."

The following is a transcript of Seaspray's elegy for his deceased friend:

"Burgle bdurgle gurgle. Gurgle gurgle lurgle tgurgle."

"Man, that it SO true..." sobbed Ironhide.

"Gurgle."

Outback played Amazing Grace on the diggery do while Beachcomber was launched out of the Ark's autocannon. He will be missed

 
         
         
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