NUMBER 6 THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS FEBRUARY 1, 1999  
         
 

The Master Builders Build the Master Toilet

In the greatest feat of engineering ever, inventors Grapple and Hoist constructed the universe's biggest toilet.

When asked about their newest invention, Grapple said, "It's basically a big potty."

"We will use it to conduct all kinds of important experiments, like how long does it take to flush Wheelie down the toilet and...how long does it take to flush Ultra Magnus down the toilet. With our big can, we hope to unlock these secrets," added Hoist.

Autobot leader Optimus Prime has bigger plans in mind. "What I want to do is make it into an olympic sized swimming pool. Then we invite the Decepticons over for a barbecue. When they go in for a swim, we flush them down the john! Man, will their faces be red...wait, no, I imagine they'd be yellow..."

While these appear to be very useful purposes for the giant crap receptacle, Unicron has a simpler use in mind. "I finally have a place to drain my lizard without getting people pissed off at me...heh heh...pissed off...that was funny...what was I saying? Oh yeah, I finally have a good place to pee. Last time I had to go, the people living near the East River were very upset."

However, despite these noble intentions, there is some concern that the mighty crapper might be used for more diabolical purposes. Says Decepticon Commander Megatron, "The energy-generating potential of this device is enormous! We will seize it, then harvest the latent energy of urine and poo, scientifically speaking. Think about it, the Autobots' own droppings will be their undoing. How ironic!"

 
         
         
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