NUMBER 6 THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS FEBRUARY 1, 1999  
         
 

Starbucks to Open in Unicron's Stomach

In a surprise move last Thursday, Starbucks opened a new branch of their unique specialty coffee restaurants in Unicron's stomach.

A representative of the corporation, with over 5,000 locations in the state of Rhode Island alone, commented on the decision. "So many robots pass through Unicron's digestive tract every day. We just want a piece of that action."

Local Autobots agree, including Bumblebee, who comments, "I remember when I was on that conveyer belt thingymabobber, about to be dropped into a pool of molten metal, thinking 'Boy, what I wouldn't give for a cafe coolata right now.'"

"We're just filling an important niche in beverage consumption," claims the CEO of Starbucks, Inc. "When Unicron tears into a planet, the people experience an unmatched state of outright terror, and nothing makes you thirsty like paralyzing fear."

Unicron himself, however, was quite disturbed upon hearing the news. "Um...hello? This is MY stomach we're talking about here? I don't think anyone should have the right to profit off of my body. If I subscribed to that belief, I'd still be selling myself on the bad streets of the Andromeda galaxy. Galactus would pay me 5:00 for the night back in those days. You can't even get a quickie with Metroplex for that nowadays."

Construction, previously planned to begin next week, is indefinitely postponed due to a large blockage in Unicron's colon, identified as the nation of Lithuania. If all proceeds as planned, the blockage will be destroyed by demolitions expert Rattrap and construction can begin as early as next month.

 
         
         
Back to WWNP Index
Questions, comments, complaints?
E-mail PerceptorTFWW (the one with the TFWW)

The Transformers and all related characters and indicia are the property of Hasbro, Inc.
All other trademarks are the property of their respective holders.
The proprietary content of this web site is intended as parody and is for private use only.

Copyright 1999-2001 Jason Golieb