NUMBER 6 THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS FEBRUARY 1, 1999  
         
 

Autobots 7, Humans Dead

The Autobots celebrated a well-earned victory today, after trouncing the human team in a rousing game of football.

The human team, composed of Sparkplug, Spike, Daniel, Raul, Poprocks, Rocksteady, and Chip, was psyched before the game. "We're gonna win, man!" commented an enthusiastic Raul. "I need this win to pay off my gambling debts...er...grocery bills...*AHEM*"

Despite their positive attitude, the humans were quickly beaten. It turned out that the Autobots' hulking metal forms were too much for the humans' fragile frames. After three downs, most of the human team had been sent to an early grave.

Lone surviving team member Daniel remarked between sobs, "My daddy is gone! Those bastards killed him! My grandpa too! So vibrant, so full of life...and now he's gone, taken from me forever! I want my daddy!"

"Well, yeah, your daddy's dead, but it sure was a fun game!" stated Brawn after the bloodbath was over.

"It is clear that we have all learned an important lesson today," explained Autobot coach Optimus Prime. "When you're playing football, win win win—no matter the cost!"

Prowl, who made the only touchdown, was particularly happy. "I'm the man! Say it! I da man! Woo! I'm telling you, nothing can beat the wonderful feeling I had when I was running that ball into the endzone. Oh, and you wanna hear a funny story? As I was running, I thought I felt something making my steps uneven. After I made the touchdown, I looked down at my foot and found blood and pieces of bone all over it. It turns out I stepped on Poprocks's head and dragged his body all the way down the field as it slowly came apart! I rock! Woo!"

A funeral will be held on Friday, followed by a victory party at Dancitron.

 
         
         
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