NUMBER 6 THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS FEBRUARY 1, 1999  
         
 

Soundwave Speaks Out

I have feelings, right? Am I a fearlessly loyal soldier, with an unmatched dedication to the Decepticon cause? Am I deep and sensitive, capable of a wide range of hidden emotions?

No! Look, a lot of fleshlings have tried to make me out to be this way, but you have to understand—I have no emotions! That's my image! It's who I am! Why must you try to ruin that? "Oh, he's so caring, and he's a single parent, and he's oh so loyal, and blah blah blah BLAH!" Shut up! Primus, do you people know how hard it is to maintain a badass image when people say that kind of thing about you? The only emotion I have is anger at all of you jerks who keep badgering me.

And here's a special warning to those female humans who have been stalking me: ENOUGH! I am a robot, understand? I don't fall in love. I don't kiss. I don't even have a mouth! I don't have sex. I build things and kill Autobots. That's it. You can't make love to me and you can't carry my child. Oh, and another thing—those tapes aren't my kids. I didn't even build them; I got them at Kay-Bee. They cost me $3 a piece (on clearance).

So in conclusion, leave me alone, ya freaks! Geeze...

 
         
         
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