NUMBER 6 THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS FEBRUARY 1, 1999  
         
 

Interview With the Echowarrior

Q: So, what's it like living with the Maximals?

A: Very nice, actually. Rhinox and I play chess, Torca and I do holographic duck hunting together in the holodeck, and I still have time to walk Duchess. Silverbolt gets annoyed when she pees on his leg, but I think he just likes her if you catch my drift. *wink*

Q: It must be tough being the only human of the group. Do any of them pick on you?

A: Rattrap and Dinobot. Rattrap's always making wisecracks about my age compared to all of theirs, while Dinobot, well, let's just say he doesn't like me much. Last week, he ripped off my arm and made me eat it. I can't help but think he doesn't like me.

Q: How exactly do you tell the future?

A: Mostly from my Magic 8-Ball and Ouija board.

Q: Where did you get them from?

A: I killed my uncle with my laser crossbow and...er...I mean...birthday present.

Q: You killed your uncle?

A: All signs point to yes.

Q: Terrorclaw claims he saw you eat earthworms on the playground. Is this true?

A: No! They were centipedes!

Q: Why do you keep murdering people in cold blood?

A: I do not! I only did it that one time, and I'm pegged for life! God! You show me one person who's never killed in a moment of rage and then denied it upon further questioning. I mean come on, when you're angry, you're not responsible for your actions.

Q: How do your classmates react to a colleague who has a normal head and a horribly disfigured body?

A: The ones who are actually willing to listen don't mind, but the rest just call me a "freak." Some of the older kids have tried to open me up with a large rock and see what's inside of me.

Q: Does the rest of your body age?

A: Kinda. As my human flesh gets older, my cybernetic body slows down. Believe me, when I'm dead, I'll be slow as a snail on vacation on an icy road.

Q: That was the best analogy you could come up with?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

Q: So in seventy years, will your body be young but your head be all shrivelled and dead?

A: A little. Believe me, with the way my life is, I'll be lucky to live after next month. *wink*

Q: So you're going to kill yourself off next month?

A: Yeah, I'm going to let Megatron kill me. Ramblast will say, "Oh well, there will be other brothers."

Q: When you find a girl you like and you get married, can you ever get it on, being a robot?

A: Believe me, you do not want to know. In fact...oh God, what if I can't?!? I'll be alone forever! *sob*

Q: Then do you have the head of a 20-year-old boy, if you know what I mean?

A: No, I don't. I'm smart as a stallion and hung like Einstein.

Q: You claim to know a lot about history. Isn't it true that you failed 5th grade history?

A: No, I passed with a B+ average. Oh wait, that was 6th grade. Yeah, I failed 5th grade. But it was the teacher's fault! She's a @^*$!!!

Q: How come you don't care when close relatives die?

A: Oh, I do care. It's just this slagging circuitry of mine blocks emotion! Remind me to reprogram those emotional reaction chips.

Q: Sounds to me like you had a hand in killing them.

A: No! If it wasn't for those darn aliens, they wouldn't even be dead! Besides, I might have some family left I don't know about.

Q: Oh, come on.

A: Fine, I did it and I loved every minute of it.

Q: You're under arrest.

A: Understood.

 
         
         
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