|NUMBER 5||THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS||JANUARY 1, 1999|
Sideswipe and Sunstreaker Find Their Real Parents
When you're fighting a war, there's no time to worry about your home life, right? Wrong. Autobots Sideswipe and Sunstreaker have taken the time to search for their real parents and were startled by what they found. Their parents are Kup and Carly Witwicky.
"This news came as a bit of a shock," commented Sunstreaker. "I mean, for a beautiful specimen like me to come from an ugly, senile jerk and a squishie is unfathomable." Sideswipe had a similar reaction. "I have so many questions. Like how did Kup end up with Carly? How did they make love without him killing her? And how did she conceive my brother and me when we are older than SHE is???"
Kup was pleased to share the details of his tawdry affair with Carly. "She came over to me and said, 'You're hot! How would you like to service my laundromat?' She was wearing the cutest little turtle. I'll never forget that day. It was the best Arbor Day ever! Long live Martin Van Buren!"
While Sunstreaker and Sideswipe are disturbed by their origins, they are still relieved to finally know the truth. Carly on the other hand, is terrified by the whole thing. "I hope Spike doesn't find out, or I'm in for such a beating! You're not running this article, right?" Of course not Carly, of course not.
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