|NUMBER 5||THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS||JANUARY 1, 1999|
ELECTRICITY FRIES BOY: "Oh well," says dad.
In the annual Christmas party held by the Autobots every year, tragedy befell one small human boy. Daniel Witwicky, caught in a tangle of Christmas tree lights, suddenly blew a fuse and was electrocuted to death. The Cybertronian community is forever changed by this casualty.
"He sure lit up real purty," Autobot Ironhide remarked of the incident. "Real festive. Made ya want to sit back and take in the joy an' the awe."
No one is sure exactly how it happened. The stockings were being hung by Teletran-One with care, the presents were being set under the tree, and the tree itself was being decorated, providing enough distraction, authorities say, to provide an ample window for the horrific death of Daniel, age ten.
"My life has been irrevocably changed, I'm happy to say," Springer added. "My God, no more 'Can I go to the bathroom,' and 'What are birds made of' and 'Help my head's on fire.' My life has a whole new outlook."
Autopsy reports revealed that it took a whole ten minutes for the boy to actually die. "He was in a lot of pain for a long time. That heart of his just wouldn't give out," head surgeon Biff Malcolm stated. Added Beachcomber, "I tried clubbing him with a metal beam, but nothing was working. It looked for a while that he might survive after all."
Surgeon Malcolm continued, "The reports also show that his pants were soiled when he was brought in. Unfortunately, tests reveal that they'd been ruined several hours before the accident and were not a factor in his death."
Further tests were made impossible due to an incident in the operating room. Maximal Dinobot recalls, "He was... delicious. *burp*"
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