|NUMBER 4||THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS||NOVEMBER 1, 1998|
Quintessons Return, Laughter Ensues
After spending 10 years hiding out in the backyard of the Transformers mythos, the supposed creators of the Transformer race returned last Friday to take back what is allegedly rightfully theirs. Much to the Quintessons' dismay, however, their return was met with laughter and mocking as they landed in New Iacon and revealed themselves.
"I've never been so embarrassed in my life," remarked one Quintesson magistrate. "We thought we had the whole plan ironed out to perfection. You know, send the ominous messages, hire out hitman aliens to herald our coming, and then make a grand entrance. Boy, were we wrong," he sobbed.
Autobot Blaster first got a mysterious warning in the form of a binary signal a month ago. "It was freakin' weird, man," Blaster said. "At first I was thinkin', 'Hey, this is some terrible music.' But then I turned the dial away from the Spice Girls and then got the message on another frequency."
Rodimus Prime was puzzled as to where the ominous message could have come from. To make sure, he doubled up on guards at New Iacon and fortified the perimeters. A few Sharkticons were spotted every so often, but they were easily dealt with.
"Then we got word of a weird ship landing in Sub-Sector Ovaltine," Rodimus said. "I rushed every force I had available to those coordinates. I wasn't about to let anything happen."
Autobot Skids was one of those in the front lines as the ship set down. "At first I was a little anxious about who was in the ship. Decepticons? Space Pirates? Wheelie? But then the bay door opened and we saw who they were."
Instead, the Autobots had set up a large force to counter Quintessons. Skids chuckled. "That was rich."
"I mean, what are they gonna do to us?" Rodimus continued. "The worst they could do is tentacle rape me."
Skids added, "The *whole* place was just in complete disorder then, we were laughing our optics out! I mean, *Quintessons*?! Who cares?" Skids was then nabbed by the editors for saying too many lines. He was never seen again.
"I don't understand," replied the Quintesson magistrate. "We did everything by the book. I even showed them my Death Face! My *Death Face*!! And nothing! I'm so depressed..."
"Where did we go wrong?"
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