NUMBER 4 THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS NOVEMBER 1, 1998  
         
 

Disney's Transformers?

In a surprising move last Friday, the Disney corporation purchased Hasbro, bringin several major franchises into the Disney family. The corporation plans to leave most of Hasbro alone, with the exception of the Transformers line, which it believes it can improve.

"We have some great ideas to make the show better. I'm particularly excited about our new Dwarf Wars property and its associated picture, Snowstalker White," said an elated Michael Eisner. "Bashful is now meched out and badder than ever! Plus, there's our new Saturday morning line up, which will include TeleBeasties and Transformers: Generation Pooh."

However, the Transformers themselves appear to be displeased with the transaction. "They keep making me sing this stupid song! How am I supposed to inspire fear while I'm reciting 'Under the Sea'?!?" exclaimed an enraged Rampage.

"I'm happy with the deal!" claims Cheetor. "Finally, we can stop the fighting and all be happy!" Cheetor proceeded to skip off with Alice into a field of flowers.

"Scar? Scar?!? I'm being replaced by Scar?!?!? That fool wouldn't know the first thing about erasing the human race, noooo..." commented Megatron, leader of the Predacons. "Besides, do you have any idea what he's going to smell like after a few hours of plotting maniacal schemes in the bathtub? Wet jungle cat. Yecchh."

The new schedule for next year includes some controversial moves. Among them is a show for the unpopular Echowarrior and Terrorclaw, a buddy comedy where they must raise a young fuzor. Many Autobots and Decepticons have threatened to quit if this programming move is made.

Perhaps the least devastated Transformer is Tracks, who was given his own network sitcom on ABC. "I can't wait for the big coming out episode!" proclaimed the enterprising new television star. "Tracks" will premiere at 9:30 this Wednesday night, followed by a new episode of Blackarachnia the Teenage Bitch.

 
         
         
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