NUMBER 3 THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS OCTOBER 1, 1998  
         
 

Finkleburg Releases Autobiography

Hundreds flocked to bookstores stores everywhere today as Donald Finkleburg's new autobiography, "I, Robot Master" was released. The book details his days with the robot aliens known as Transformers.

"I've been waiting years for this to come out," said one rabid fan. "Ever since I gave birth to Donny I knew he was destined for greatness."

"I, Robot Master" is a tale of one great man who overcame impossible odds to save the world on several occasions, says Finkleburg's public agent. "The part where he is overcome with personal doubt and quits his job at Marvel was a beautiful chapter in his life -- he's a true Shakespearian figure come to life."

Finkleburg says he quit his job in 1985 to join the government work against Transformers. "Marvel wasn't treating me right. I wasn't gonna take their crap anymore. So I just walked out just like that. Shoulda seen the look on their faces. They were pissed."

When asked about Marvel's insistence that they fired Finkleburg due to total lack of interest in his tinker-toy comic scripts, he said they were resorting to cheap childish attacks and that their mothers were dirty whores.

The government gave him a secret identity known as Robot Master, based off of one of Finkleburg's comic characters. "They just couldn't pay me enough. Kept on insisting they give me more money for the job. They know talent when they see it," Finkleburg writes. "Of course, the real reason I signed up for the job was to do undercover work for the Decepticons. I even got the leader Megatron to let me walk around the base and take notes. I'm such a bad ass."

In Chapter 5, "Sexual Conquests," Finkleburg details hundreds of intimate sexual encounters with people including (but not limited to) Circuit Breaker, "some girl named Charlene, but names dont' really matter," Tracks, and Burt Ward. Circuit Breaker and "Charlene" have filed defamation suits against Finkleburg, but Tracks and Burt Ward have yet to press charges.

"Circuit Breaker is only bitter since Mr. Finkleburg was too much of a man for her," Finkleburg's public agent stated when asked about the charges. "He adds that she seemed to call out 'G.B.! G.B.!' when he would hear her alone at night. And she's a bitch."

Circuit Breaker could not be reached for comment. Her lawyer states that she is "butch," not "bitch."

Another interesting entry in the book is the one where Finkleburg tells about his days in an alien spacecraft with Elvis. "Elvis and I jammed all night long in those days. He says I play a mean guitar."

After his days in space, Finkleburg writes about his efforts to reunite East and West Germany and his crusade to end the use of land mines. "Land mines are terrible," he states. "In a recent study by the Finkleburg Research Group for a Better America, 86% of America thinks that land mines are really bad things to step on. 5% are undecided."

Finkleburg is confident that his autobiography will sell splendidly. "It's got sex, violence, more sex, and giant robots! If given the chance, I can sell any story -- ANY story."

 
         
         
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