|NUMBER 3||THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS||OCTOBER 1, 1998|
Bashful Bludgeon Battles Baldness
It was five o'cycle two days ago. The Autobots were battling the Decepticons for control of a strange, alien planet. It was time for the Decepticons to make the striking blow, when Bludgeon prepared to give the command. He took a look out over his troops, opened his mouth...and tripped. As he plunged to the ground, his helmet came off, revealing a wasteland more barren than prehistoric Earth after the destruction of the Planet Buster: Bludgeon's head.
That's right bots, Bludgeon is bald. While Autobot and Decepticon alike try to cover up the embarassment from other species, Bludgeon is attempting to rationalize his problem.
"Come on! We're friggin' robots! We're not SUPPOSED to have hair!" proclaimed a flustered Bludgeon, to which Junkion Commander Wreck-Gar replied, "Blimey, I have hair! Waves of beautiful fuzz protrude from my face. They are a magnificent sight...FOR ME TO POOP ON!" To this, Bludgeon yelled out, "Facial hair is nothing to a master of of the mystical art of Metallikato!"
In an attempt to save face, the Decepticons are currently selecting a new leader. Forerunners include Skullgrin, Reflector, and Mixmaster. Skullgrin, who leads the race with a 40% support rating, promises, "Me get you win!" Skullgrin's fellow monster Pretenders have responded that "They likey very much," followed by massive giggle fits. If Skullgrin emerges victorious, the Decepticon army can expect a bright future acting in B-movies.
To combat his personal problem, Bludgeon plans to start The Hair Club For Skulls. But remember, he's not just the Hair Club Commander, he's also a client.
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