NUMBER 10 THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS JULY 1, 1999  
         
 

Special Thanks go to AriX for his amazing undercover work. He managed to pilfer the following diatribe, a stragely enthralling glimpse into the mind of WARendfeld, from the ruins of WAR's decimated childhood home.

What I Did During My Summer Vacation
by William Rendfeld

There are three reasons why this summer was the funnest ever. Reason number one is that we spent a week at my Uncle Jack’s house, and he has a pool. Reason number two is that I saved the universe from total annihilation numerous times. And reason number three is that I finally got some underarm hair.

There were some reasons that this summer were not so fun. My mom and dad were senselessly murdered by a megalomaniac, so I couldn’t tell them about my underarm hair. Luckily my dog was saved. And my brother too, but we got into a fist fight over who would get mom and dad’s room and I chipped my tooth.

There is so much to tell about, and only so much space on this piece of construction paper, so I’ll try to summarize. On the last day of school a bunch of big kids took off my clothes, beat me up and threw me in the trunk of their ‘87 Honda. After 5 hours, they dumped me in the woods and left with me only with a copy of “Captain Carrot’s Amazing Zoo Crew #7” and a full sized Mr. Goodbar. After wandering aimlessly for 3 days, I happened upon a land that I had heard about only in legend and read about only on the walls of highway rest stop bathrooms. It was rumored to be a place where a man casts no shadows, where adventures occur weekly and only take 22 minutes to complete, except during November, February and May when the adventures seem to drag out for two or three weeks at a time. Naturally I was so scared that I dug a hole in the forest and stayed in it for another 6 days, but after finishing the Mr. Goodbar and realizing that the issue of Captain Carrot wouldn’t satisfy my daily nutritional needs, I decided that I would have to forget about the embarrassing hives I tend to develop in direct sunlight. I had to go meet the robots who would be my new best friends...and they shall be known as THE BEAST WARS!!!

WHILE LOST IN THE ENCHANTED FOREST, YOUNG WILLIAM WAS PURSUED RELENTLESSLY BY THE EGOMANIACAL HUMANOID CANNIBAL RABBIT KNOWN AS CAPTAIN CARROT. THANKS TO MR. GOODBAR, WILLIAM MANAGED TO SURVIVE THE ENCOUNTER.

Well, long story short, within a few days I became a Transmetal Bat/Dolphin Fuzor. I called myself Echowarrior because when I was little that was my imaginary friend’s name, and he died in a horrible imaginary tractor related accident. I was instantly recognized as the most powerful member of the Maximals, and Optimus Primal handed over all of his power to me. This was mainly because I know a lot about the future, things like how Squanto taught the Pilgrims to plant fish in order to make corn.

I had so many fun adventures with the Maximals. Once, when Rattrap meant to say “Echowarrior, get away from me you stupid, little twerp. Oh, and wash yourself, you smell like a dead Junkion”, he really said “Echowarrior, get away from me you stupid, little twerp. Oh, and wash yourself, you smell like a dead _Chunkion_”. Boy, we all had a good laugh about that one. And once the guys locked me out of the base for three whole weeks! They are such jokers.

But it wasn’t all fun and games. I had to murder a lot of people too. They were all bad though, except for Marco from the Animorphs, but the courts have ruled that accidental and I plea-bargained down to time served. Also my parents died, but I didn’t kill them. Megatron, the 37th greatest menace the universe has ever known, did. But then I killed Megatron so I think it all worked out for the best. In conclusion, this summer really rocked. And I better get a good grade on this because the Maximals let me keep my laser crossbow and I am very good at Duckhunt.

Teacher’s Comments:

William-

You have an excellent imagination for a child your age. However, the assignment was to write an essay on Ottoman Empire, not “How I Spent My Summer Vacation", so I had to grade you accordingly. Two additional comments. Please stop bringing in the suit of cardboard armor I have seen you wearing everyday. It distracts the rest of the students. Also, I must again ask you to bathe regularly. I know you told me that “Transmetals don’t need soap”, but it is a distraction for those who sit near you. I hope that you do better on the next assignment.

Mrs. Williams

 
         
         
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