|NUMBER 1||THERE'S NO NEWS LIKE BAD NEWS||AUGUST 1, 1998|
Kup Appointed New Leader of Autobots
After last week's unbelievable show of ineptitude on the part of Autobot leader Rodimus Prime when he let the matrix go down the drain at the car wash of doom, many people believed that the final triumph of the Decepticon forces was at hand. However, we are happy to report that the matrix was found last night by Kup at the bottom of a box of Cracker Jacks.
"Damn Cracker Jacks. I was going for the Johnny Quest Decoder Ring and instead all I got was this damn egg thing with blue glowing crap in it. I think it's spoiled too! I was so pissed off I gave my dentures a drink and then they asked me to tell them the time! Imagine the impudence!" Kup commented on the situation. When asked what his first act as Autobot commander would be, he first grunted, forgot where he was, and began walking backwards into a garbage disposal. After aides had steadied him, another reporter pressed the issue.
"I do believe this city needs a bigger peanut! And get these damn kids off my lawn!" Kup then went outside and kicked Optimus Prime's tombstone until it fell over. Following that historic first command decision, a crack team of twenty Autobots have begun to construct what may well be Cybertron's greatest peanut ever, on the very spot where their former leader rests in peace.
"Well, off the record, he a god**** psycho and he'll lead us all to our graves. Help. On the record, I think it's going to be a damn fine peanut," said Hoist, leader of the Giant Peanut Commission. "He wasn't kidding when he said I left a part out back on Quintessa," lamented Hot Rod, "If only I had known." When asked if he thought his many years of experience would help him in his new capacity as leader, Kup said, "Why I remember the time when my navigator brought us to the sour cream factory. We surfed on it. I'm hungry."
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