The World's Worst Rumors
Hello there, folks. SO you say you want some nice, juicy rumors? Well, let's just press this button right over here...*pushes button*
Hasbro CEO: Must...kill...Optimus...Prime.
Never mind that, just give us some rumors.
Hasbro CEO: Transmitting now.
Well, these are certainly interesting. Without further ado, here are the World's Worst Rumors:
1. There will be a new version of Skyfire molded to match his television appearance, including a buried in ice playset, with real ice (freezer included). Also, it comes with a special rub sign. When you rub it, it switches between the Autobot and Decepticon insignias, and makes the toy dance a jig.
2. Fox couldn't afford the Beast Machines syndication fee, so the WB has picked it up for the fall season. They are already planning a primetime movie, followed by 150 new episodes, shown three at a time, daily, with no commercials. The movie details the adventures of Brawn and Nightbeat as they try to save Optimus Prime's life. At the end, Optimus Prime becomes Optimus Primal, who then becomes Lioconvoy. Then Lioconvoy dances a jig.
3. In addition to Beast Machines, there will be an all new Transformers Channel. It will show More Than Meets the Eye all day, every day for all eternity. This will be followed by a network for Transport to Oblivion and so on.
4. Production on the live action Transformers movie has begun. Confirmed casting so far: Bruce Willis as Cheetor, Patrick Stewart as Huffer, and Keanu Reeves as Rodimus Prime.
5. Megatron's dangerous cloning experiments have re-animated the corpse of Orson Welles. He will also star in the live action movie as - you guessed it - Unicron.
6. Scott McNeil will be auctioned for charity on Ebay. The starting bid is .50.
7. The newest line of Beast Wars figures is here! That's right, FuzorMaster Transmetal Pretenders will arrive in stores this September. Each comes with a coupon redeemable for a free Beast Wars figure, which also has the same coupon.
8. A new Transformers TV show is in the works, called The Jazz Chronicles. All of Jazz's dialogue on the show will be resequenced sound bytes from Hong Kong Phooey episodes. The show will of course be broadcast on the Jazz Channel, 24 hours a day (never a repeat) until the end of time.
9. Yet another movie has been announced. The Super Transformer Crossover Movie will feature appearances by characters from Star Trek, Star Wars, Thundercats, GI Joe, Pokemon, Batman, He-Man, She-Ra, the Smurfs, Power Rangers, Garfield and Friends, Gumby, Godzilla movies from the 50s, Howdy Doody, and I Love Lucy.
10. Rock Lord fans rejoice! The next stage in Rock Lord evolution is upon us...Shit Lords! Transform from pile of shit to robot and back. (Note: You must supply your own shit.)
11. Next year's Ultimal Optimus will feature twenty-eight modes of transformation, including robot, ape, dog, cat, tree branch, mud, worm, diaper, book, coffee mug, Megatron, paper, rock, scissors, Starbucks, Fonzie's thumb (up and down modes), Superman, Blackarachnia, Gary Coleman, and the Golden Girls (figure sings in Bea Arthur mode).
12. For you frisky Transfans, Hasbro has licensed the rights to Transformers brand condoms. They will glow in the dark and taste like Bumblebee. The super deluxe variety even says "My rigid grill structure..." when used.
13. Pie is yummy. (Yes, it is.)
14. WARendfeld has been hired to write a series of Choose Your Own Adventure Transformers books. Unlike previous Choose Your Own Adventure books, these books challenge you to find your way to the predetermined logical ending through such choices as "Go to the North Pole to get a Christmas tree" and "Go to the North Pole to get an Optimus Prime oral care station."
15. The Optimus Prime Oral Care Station is back in production, but it has been upgraded for the 90s. Optimus Prime now transforms and brushes your teeth. For an additional two easy payments of .99, he'll floss your teeth, bring you a glass of water, and read you a bedtime story (happy ending not included).
16. Bob from accounting has anal warts. (Hmm, perhaps we should have specified Transformers rumors.)
17. There will be a life-sized Unicron toy on sale for .99. He will have room to hold seven life sized Fort Maxes, which it comes with. Each Fort Max comes with seven clones of Spike Witwicky, in case you lose six. Special dealer versions include one life-sized Carly Witwicky (tubes tied). The super platinum edition comes with a fertile Carly. If you're lucky, she'll breed with Spike, producing a life-sized Daniel in three to six months.
18. A secret government experiment to create an intelligent, transforming robot from Cybertron has proven successful. Optimus Prime (you can call him Prime, after all, he's your best friend) will be making appearances at malls and high school cafeterias for a nominal fee.
19. Recent news reports show the Earth to be on a collision course with a planet full of alien robots that transform. As expected the aliens will stop the collision, come to Earth, and live with us in harmony.
20. Primus has at long last arrived. He commands all Transformers to scoop up as many humans as they can and carry them up the cloud-like staircase to heaven, where all of humanity will be pampered day and night and everyone will have sex with beautiful women (or men if that's their thing). Pie will be served at all times.
Well, it looks like we've managed to kill another Hasbro CEO with our invasive brain scans. It's a good thing that his spirit is now in heaven with the rest of us. More rumors will be forthcoming as soon as they are hand-delivered to us by Cliffjumper, riding in his magical cloud car.
Questions, comments, complaints? E-mail PerceptorTFWW (the one with the TFWW)
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