This is the FAQ for the World's Worst Fanfic series. A FAQ is a long document that no one reads, but is posted ad nauseum. Different FAQ's are used for different purposes -- some aren't even organized by questions, but are used as a soapbox for the author to rant endlessly in an almost completely ignored forum. This FAQ has a few main goals:
A) To completely waste some of your time.
B) To perhaps make you giggle, if not at the humorous content, then at the fact that I have so much free time on my hands.
C) To completely waste some more of your time.
If there is something discussed in the FAQ which you have a question about, or have some new ideas to contribute, by all means do take out a piece of paper, write down your idea, and shove it up your exhaust pipe, since I'm just about as likely to listen to it up there. Consequently, even though the FAQ is not God, I am. If you disagree with it, you can blow it with a cherry on top, pal. What am I, your mother?
Lastly, if I have included your email or web address, and it is incorrect or changes, don't bother alerting me, as this FAQ will likely be updated about once every eight years.
Changes From Previous Version
- the FAQ's very existence
- my back itches
FAQ Availability This FAQ should be quite easy to find. It will be the one message marked unread after everything else, including spam, porno messages, and "Hooks Sux!" threads have been thoroughly gone over with a fine tooth comb.
Rigid FAQ Structure The WWFF FAQ is presented in an awkward and inconsistant manner. It may and will switch formats at any given time and you'll bend over and take it like a man, because I'm not taking the time to edit it. Got it?
I. General Questions Relating to the Fanfic
1. Why don't you guys go and get a life?
Contrary to appearances, many, and indeed most, of the regular writers of the World's Worst Fanfic DO lead healthy and (somewhat) full lives. Walky draws a popular comic strip for a newspaper and Hooks has unprotected sex with many anonymous partners. I, with the hand, have no life. *sob*
2. What are appropriate topics for WWFFs?
Basically, anything I damn well please. If I decide to write a fic about Kup's hemmroids from the hemmroids' point of view, you'll read it, enjoy it, and worship the ground I walk on.
Perhaps the most *inappropriate* thing to include in a WWFF is anything serious, mature, or thought provoking.
3. Are the any guidelines for writing WWFFs?
Yes. If any of you little bastards dare write one, I will take your eyes out with an ice cream scoop and feed them to my pet guinea pig. His name is Buster and he likes the taste of human blood.
4. What's the range of ages for readers of these fics?
While our target audience is the 2-4 year-old demographic, the true age of our readers often falls far below that number. It turns out that adults cannot handle the more mature aspects of Primal and Cheetor bumping uglies while Inferno sets things on fire.
5. Is it okay to send you cash in appreciation?
No. I prefer 'o clocks to cash. They don't devalue or make your hands smell like 20 years of sweat. Time is money as they say.
6. Where do I go to read WWFFs?
Well, there is always the Transformers: World's Worst site at http://www.rpi.edu/~goliej/tfww/index.html. Failing that, you can go to Deja News and search for messages with World's Worst Fanfic in them. With any luck, you should find the specific message you're looking for in 10-20 years, and that's if Deja News isn't running slow.
7. Are there any guidelines to posting WWFFs?
<Galvatron>Look, you little bastards, I told you not to write these things and you will listen! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! </Galvatron>
8. I can't read. What should I do?
Sorry MG-Dinobot, I can't solve all of your problems. Try going to school, they seem to know what they're doing there.
9. I've got some TFs but I don't know their names...can anyone help me?
Certainly. If it transforms itself, its name is Butt Monkey. If it's a headmaster without the head, its name is Ass Goblin. If it has a Pretender shell, its name is Toy Shelf Poisen. And if it's smaller than a Minibot, it's .99 at McDonald's everywhere.
10. What is "ATT Strife?" How can it be avoided?
"ATT Strife" is just a general phrase to descrive what is basically a total breakdown in the communications process. It usually occurs when the following happen: Hooks posts something, Raksha posts something, PDilloway posts something, Beast Wars is mentioned, Generation 1 is mentioned, Generation 2 is mentioned, Machine Wars is mentioned, Transformers are mentioned, WARendfeld writes a new fic, or when somebody posts a message.
As far as flamewars and personal insults go:
It is highly recommended that all insults be directed to me for quick conversion into WWFF material. The majority of ATTers simply do not care if person A offended person B's delicate sensibilities, but my spark feeds on terror. Feel it. FEEL IT. FEEL THE FEAR!
If you are arguing or discussing a topic with someone, and that topic has little or nothing to do with Transformers, you are in the right place. In fact, it is common knowledge that the last on-topic thread was concluded on March 31, 1996. Ever since, it has been nothing but flame wars and would-be female world conquerers inducting minions for the upcoming armageddon.
Leaving the Group:
If you have decided to stop reading the newsgroup, ne'er to return, please post an endless, emotionally draining tirade that completely discredits anything your opposition can say in response. And nothing boosts the ego like posting your tirade, leaving for two hours, reading what people say in response, and then slowly fade back into the group. Feel free to trash people's value systems, at that tends to hit closest to home. Comparisons to Adolf Hitler and other despots accomplish this goal best.
On posting spoilers responsibly:
As of this date, no man or woman has ever successfully posted a spoiler responsibly with no consequences later on. One man in Tampa Bay, Florida read a spoiler, laughed at it, and then didn't pass it on like he was supposed to. His family died, his dog ran away, and his house burned to the ground. You have been warned.
II. Things WWFF Might Mention
1. What is SIGCIS / CIGSIS?
SIGCIS is an acronym for "Starscream Is Gay Cheetor is Straight." It's a topic that has historically caused quite a stir in the WWFF universe. Please do not mention this topic. Just accept whatever way in which they are depicted as we spoonfeed you your character observations.
2. What's a WWFF MUSH?
A MUSH is a really bad WWFF that idiots post. Let's say some nobody you've never heard of posts a WWFF called "Rodimus Meets the Evil Toe Jam." It's really bad and didn't make you smile even once. A proper reaction would be "Man, that fic was MUSH!"
3. What's the WWFF Purity Test?
Dunno, there isn't one yet. Should I write one? Hmmmm...
4. What's the WWFF code some people are using?
There is no such thing. If you see someone with something similar to the following on the bottom of the post:
Blowit++ RigidGrillStructure- 42++ Pie+++++
then that person is on crack and should be shot in a dark alley.
5. What should I not e-mail you about concerning a WWFF?
Please do not ask the following questions:
- Can I write a WWFF?
- Can you write a WWFF about (so and so)? This is annoying, since there are already so many fics out there focusing on the adventures of so and so. They really wish they could be given a rest.
- (from a guy) Are you single?
- What's a Berle's First Panstick?
6. What's this whole "Brawn" thing about?
In short, he's dead. Get over it.
III. Getting Info and Stuff
1. Are there any WWFF WWW sites?
Yes! For the millionth time! It's up near the top and I'll be damned if I'm putting it here again for your lazy ass.
2. Where can I get a list of all the WWFFs that were made? Where can I get specific fic information?
Like I said, they are all at the URL above. Well, except The World's Worst Fanfic Meets Fritz the Cat, which was lost in a freak flash flood.
3. Where do babies come from?
When a mommy and a daddy love each other, they decide to express their love. Usually, they get a motel room and have a five-hour marathon session. Once the guy is "in the mood" and ready to go through with it, the woman gets a headache and they have to try it again another night. Eventually, a mircale occurs. The sperm from the daddy penetrates the egg from the mommy. Then they call the stork and he brings a bouncing baby boy/girl/both.
4. Where can I get a list of all the TF fan fiction ever created?
Suzanne M. Ferree has a page containing a complete fanfic list. Be warned though, it's 60% dopey crossovers, 30% violent Tarantino-like fics, and 10% masturbatory self-insertion garbage.
5. Where can I get a list of all the TF cartoon episodes?
Just ask The Critic what episodes he hates. You should have a fairly complete list in front of you in short time.
6. Where can I get a list of WWFF quotes?
Try reading the fics. Reading: it does a body good.
7. How about a WWFF encyclopedia?
Such a project already exists. Find your Encyclopedia Britanica. Look up the words naughty, dirty, and sex and you should pretty much get the complete picture.
IV. General WWFF and TF Questions
1. When did the WWFF first come out?
When did it come out of the closet? Never. When did it come out as in when did it start? February 1st, 1998 was the date of the first WWFF, although one can argue that it really started with WARendfeld's posting of his first "saga" several days before.
2. Are there any WWFF conventions?
Yes. I held one last week in my dorm room. The guest list included me, my roommate, and a very ill-tempered ladybug that is still sitting on my wall. I hate a party guest who won't leave...
3. Are there any WWFF clubs?
No, and may Primus help anyone who starts one.
4. What's happening with the current WWFF series?
That's for me to know and for you to find out. NYEH!
V. WWFF related products
1. Are there any WWFF video games?
Yes, there was a very popular and top selling WWFF game released last year. It featured Cheetor's search for the World's Biggest Pie. Unfortunately, the game is no longer being sold, and as it was made for the Saturn and nobody actually owns one a Saturn, nobody can ever produce proof that it exists. Ah well.
2. Is there any other WWFF merchandise available?
Seeing as how WWFF is just a series of thinly disguised Transformers porno and how only a few hundred people know it exists, that's be a firm no.
VI. Continuity Issues
1. Why doesn't anything agree with anything else?
As many readers are aware, I contradict myself in just about every fic I write. The truth is, nothing pleases me more than having you confuse yourself to the point of insanity. I even contradict myself within a single fic sometimes. Ce la vie!
2. What's the basic origin of the Transformers from the World's Worst Fanfic?
One day, Primus was getting ready for his big date with Unicron. When he picked up Uni, he realized that he didn't tell Uni about the kinds of perfumes he was allergic to. Of course, as such things always go, Unicron was wearing a perfume that Primus was allergic to. Primus took one wiff and let out a gigantic sneeze. Out from his nose sprang bits of various metal, which sat there on the ground for millenia. One magical day, those pieces of metal came together and formed the Transformers!
Once Primus discovered that from his mutated snot had sprung life, he realized what a miracle it was, so he gave Prime the creation matrix, which is really a spherical bottle of Channel #5.
3. What's the basic origin of the Transformers from the TV show?
Basically the same thing, but it was a double date with some Quintessons.
4. Where did Unicron come from?
When the planet Krypton was about to explode, a man name Cron-El sent his son into space. Ironically, he didn't know that the planet was blowing up, but he wasn't right in the head and thought that ejecting his son into space would help the harvest that year.
5. Which origin for the Constructicons is right?
None of them. The Constructicons were the first beings in the universe and they will be the last. No one shall ever mention this again.
VII. General TF Story Questions
1. Does Cybertron have an atmosphere?
Of course. It is made up entirely of pie. Mmmmmmm...pie...
2. How big is Cybertron?
No one knows. Scientist Perceptor has declared that any expeditions sent to find out the answer will fall off of the edge of the planet. He's so smart.
3. What's up with all the sex in WWFFs?
Sex is funny. The Ancient Greeks new it. The Babylonians knew it. I know it.
4. How do TFs reproduce?
See III. 3.
5. How did the Great War start?
Optimus Prime and Megatron were walking down the street one day, totally pre-occupied with what they were eating. Suddenly, they walked right into each other and then looked down at their food. The following was said:
Prime: You got peanut butter in my chocolate!
Megatron: You got chocolate in my peanut butter!
And so started the Great War.
6. Why do they transform? Why not just be big robots?
If you notice, they almost never DO transform in WWFF. They're either in robot mode or it's not mentioned. And that's the way it shall always be!
7. Where does Prime's trailor go when he transforms?
While it is not sure where Prime's trailor goes while he's in robot mode, it has been spotted at various night clubs across Las Vegas. It is reported that the trailor is "quite the lady killer."
8. Are they immortal?
Yes, they all are, except for Scorponok and Echowarrior, who die on a regular basis.
9. Is there a full WWFF history anywhere?
Oh yeah, I can imagine that...
2/1/98: Scorponok dies.
2/4/98: Scorponok dies again...
2/7/98: Polar Claw is introduced.
2/12/98: Scorponok dies.
2/24/98: Polar Claw is introduced...
VIII. Beast Wars
1. Why Beast Wars?
2. Why did they change Primal and Megs?
After wearing the same diaper for 11 million years, they started to smell.
3. Are the toys actually any good?
If you can get past the stinkers like Silverbolt, Optimal Optimus, and the whole Transmetal line, it's great. Drill Bit and Retrax and real winners!
4. What's a Transmetal? What's a Fuzor?
A transmetal is a Transformer that wears woman's clothing. A fuzor is two Transformers that have been fused together, like Ratchet and Megatron in the US comic.
5. Is it true that the writers read the World's Worst Fanfic?
Yes, they both do. Bob enjoys the clever characterizations and Larry just likes the dirty, dirty sex. Oh baby.
6. What IS the name of the Predacons' ship?
Terrorsaur wanted to name it "One Day Terrorsaur Will Rule!" but Megatron's name "Darkside" won out.
7. Are the BW aliens actually the Quintessons?
Nope, they're an aggressive race who, as the legend goes, tried to find out if the Quints had five asses and ended up killing them all off.
8. Is there going to be a Beast Wars comic book?
Yes, it will be written and drawn by Rob Liefeld. Primal will be drawn with big breasts and Rattrap will look like Cable. Silverbolt will be armed with three gattling guns that spit out nuclear warheads.
1. What was the World's Worst Fanfic based on?
The World's Worst Fanfic toy line was based largely on Hasbro's Transformer line. Most are obviously based on specific figures. For example, Cheetor with Pie-eating Action is based on, you guessed it, Cheetor. And Dinobot with Rigid Grill Structure Grip is based on Dinobot. Echowarrior, on the other hand, is just Bat Primal with a paper fin on his back, although Echowarrior himself denies this vehemently.
2. What's the deal with the red/yellow Bumblebee/Cliffjumper?
Cliffjumper and Bumblebee are both vampires. Yup, that's right, vampires. Cliffjumper feasts on human flood while Bumblebee prefers gasoline from a Transformer's fuel tank. However, they are very messy eaters and usually get their food all over themselves, making them yellow and red. Sometimes though, usually after a nasty bump to the head, they switch food sources, and so red Bumblebee and yellow Cliffjumper exist.
3. Why is Jetfire just like a Robotech Veritech fighter?
Because that's what he really is. He spends every night just giggling to himself over how gullible the other Autobots are.
4. Was there a Skyfire toy?
Yes, but I ate it. It was...delicious. *URP*
5. What's with the switch on the Jumpstarters?
That's the berserker switch. When Optimus just isn't in the mood to fight his own battles, he flips the switches and Topspin and Twin Twist open up a can of whoop-ass.
6. How many combiners did they make in the original TF line?
Just 10. Although they may sometimes look like a gestalt, Raul and Tracks are their own seperate entities.
7. Did they ever make a Unicron toy?
Yes, a toy of Unicron is his garb from the McDonald's WWFF was made, but parents were upset by the McDonald's bathroom playset that came with it. Apparently, the toy world is not yet ready for real feces as an accessory.
8. Was there ever a blue Bluestreak toy?
Yes, in fact, Bluestreak himself was originally blue, but Grimlock got overexcited one day and burned off all of poor Bluestreak's paint. Ouch.
1. Can Autobots fly?
In the World's Worst Fanfic? Sure, whenever it's convenient to the plot.
2. Why do you call Jetfire Skyfire? Why is he drawn differently on the show?
Because he's scherzophrenic. Jetfire is the nice guy and Skyfire is the evil maniac. But whatever you do, don't mention Spacefire, or he's likely to stuff a fusion cannon up your nose.
3. How do you do Soundwave's voice?
4. Where can I find videos of re-enactments of WWFFs?
For a tape of a re-enactment of the WWFF of your choosing, send 5:00 to...wait a minute, I'm not giving my address to YOU!
5. What was "Five Faces of Darkness" about?
6. What was "Rebirth"?
A tremendous mistake.
7. Is there a list of voice actors for the WWFF?
Yes, but it currently consists of me, me, and me. Oh yeah, and PerceptorTFWW when I let him out of his burlap sack.
1. How come you so rarely use it?
Because most of it isn't worth the paper it's printed on.
2. What's the deal with Spiderman?
He's a webslinging, backtalking super hero who works for the Daily Bugle and fights morons who wouldn't even give Chip Chase a hard time WITHOUT his wheelchair. He's cool.
3. Do you plan to write more WWFFs using the comics?
Maybe, if the demand is there.
4. What about the Budiansky run of the comics?
Maybe, if I develop a brain tumor.
XII. The Movie
1. Will you be doing a WWFF based on it?
*AHEM*...no comment. ;)
2. Where was Snarl?
He had a headache, so he stayed at home. He misses all the good stuff.
3. Why did the Insecticons keep showing up and dying?
They are the ancestors of Waspinator. That's why Shrapnel has a weird speech pattern.
4. Why'd they kill everybody?
Director Quentin Tarantino says that the only way the movie could have any impact was for Megatron to "open a can of whup ass."
5. Who did the voices?
The starring roles include:
Eric Idle: Wreck-Gar
Frank Welker: Megatron
Micro Machines Man: Blurr
That Loser From Suddenly Susan: Hot Rod
What's His Name: Kup
That Other Guy: Springer
I Can't Deal With That Now: Ultra Magnus
Sue Blu with the Coo' Do: Arcee
Big Dead Fat Ass: Unicron
6. What was the universal greeting they used?
Bah weep grannah weep ni ni bong, which means "It smells like gym sock in here."
7. What changes were made between the theatrical and video release?
In the video director's cut, they left in the controversial Tracks/Raul/Wheelie scene, and I sure ain't describing it here. *shudder*
8. What else is there to know about Stan Bush?
Mr. Bush currently pumps gas at his local Exxon. He makes .25 an hour and says that his job is "ultra gear."
XIII. TFs Outside The United States
1. Where else has WWFF appeared?
In Spain, it is known as El World's Worst Fanfic. In Japan, you can find it under the title of Super Happy Mega Ultra Life-Form Robot World's Worst Fanime.
2. What were the Japanese WWFFs like?
Like the American ones, only with more bad racial stereotypes and at three times the price. They also tend to be blockier than American WWFFs, but look "badass."
3. What other WWFFs were never released in the US?
The ones I write that turn out to be really bad, so I don't post them. It turns out that people don't want to read about Mirage's invisible back hair. Ah well.
1. What the hell is a rigid grill structure?
There is an ATTer named Dinobot, whose sig says "Dinobot has spoken. My rigid grill structure is bearing in on your unprotected cargo door." When we wrote the original WWFF, we couldn't remember what came after the word structure.
2. What's the deal with pie?
Got me. Hooks stuck it into the original WWFF. It doesn't seem to mean anything, although it should be noted that Wizard tends to mention pie a lot, so that may be where it came from, either consciously or subconsciously.
3. Why is Rhinox death?
The fic "Rhinox is Death" was meant to parody the fanfics written by a guy named MG-Dinobot. One line in that fic mentioned that Rhinox is death, presumably meaning dead. Other jokes like "hungry" TALK FOR YOU! and "he lived a warrior ans died to an hero" come from these fics as well.
4. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
If a woodchuck could chuck wood, he would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck would.
5. Could Triangle Man beat Particle Man?
Yeah, they had a fight, Triangle won. Get over it.
XV. Legalese and Special Thanks
Special thanks go to no one. Blow it.